9.14.2009

The Rules of Attending a Baseball Game

Listen up ladies!


I know that you all want to impress your man by being supportive of his favorite baseball team, but there are a few rules that should be followed when attending a baseball game. These are non-negotiable and any violation of these rules should result in your ejection from the ball park and a 30 game suspension before you may attend another game.

-The only acceptable shirt to wear to a ball game is a t-shirt, sweatshirt, modest tank top or jersey bearing the name or logo of the home team.

-Tube tops, halter tops and cut off or tied up t-shirts are not acceptable. It doesn’t matter how tanned, toned or skinny you are. You’re there to watch baseball, not dance for money.

-The only acceptable clothing for below the waist is jean, khakis or reasonable length shorts.

-Mini skirts, daisy dukes are not acceptable. Additionally, your pants should fit well enough that your ass crack won’t be showing when you sit down. If it is, I reserve the right to throw pennies into your ass crack for my personal entertainment.


Mariah, you're doing it wrong.
-The only acceptable footwear is sneakers, or in extenuating circumstances (for example, extreme heat) flip flops.
-Wedges, pumps, high heel sandals and platforms are not acceptable. If I see you wearing heels, I reserve the right to trip you. I will laugh.

-While drinking is acceptable and even encouraged, sloppy drunken behavior resulting in the extreme annoyance of attendees around you will not be tolerated. I may “accidentally” spill my beer on you in a passive aggressive payback sort of way.

-You don’t need to wear excessive amounts of make up. No one is there to look at you. They are there to watch the game.

-Don’t yell a player’s name if you don’t know who they are. Yelling the wrong name is just as bad at a ball park as it is in bed.

-You do not need to go get your hair did before the game. A pony tail is perfect for a ball game. And if you really want to support your man, wear a team hat.

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