9.07.2009

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want to Have Sex

In no particular order.


Razor Status: Active
Days Since Last Eyebrow Wax: 12
Hubby's Mood: Antsy

1. We just had a fight. Regardless of the popular belief that make-up sex is the best sex, when I'm mad, don't even talk to me let alone try to touch me. Unless you really don't want any more kids. Because I will be tempted to send a testicle or two straight into your abdomen. Surgery may be required for retrieval.

2. I'm tired. No really. Unless you want me falling asleep in the middle of it, just wait until tomorrow night. Really. And stop telling me it will help me sleep.

3. I have a headache. Surprisingly enough, it is occasionally true. Occasionally. No, I don't want a Motrin. I'm enjoying the excuse right now.

4. I'm on my period. I'm sorry that it's inconvenient, but it's not going to happen. And no, I won't go down on you. No nookie for me means no nookie for you.

5. I have a date with my gynecologist tomorrow. He knows I have sex. I just don't need a neon sign down there announcing it.

6. My period just ended. Like 5 minutes ago. Give me a day to freshen up, would ya? Geez!

7. I just shit out a kid. You know how uncomfortable your ass feels after you've been sitting on the john for the last 45 minutes? Right, try shitting out something the size of a damned watermelon and then tell me if you want to be shoving anything up there any time soon. Besides, you probably wouldn't be able to feel anything any way.

8. I got chewed out by my boss at work. If I'm preoccupied with something like a crappy day at work, it's nothing personal but really, I'm not in the mood.

9. I'm sick. Unless you think coughing and hacking like an 80 year old smoker is sexy, leave me alone. And no, sex won't clear my sinuses.

10. I'm a mom. Wiping snot, cleaning up spit up and changing shitty diapers all day isn't exactly a turn on. If you come home from work after I have been taking care of the kids all day, you better be prepared to wine and dine me if you want a piece of ass. Or get me drunk. Either is fine.

5 comments:

  1. Mark is sending a hooker to Kevin tomorrow!

    (Could you have Kev reciprocate please?)

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  2. THAT was hysterical!!! I am so copying that and putting it next to the bed - well, maybe in the drawer next to the bed for reference!

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  3. This post is one of the main reasons you just received an award! Drop by my blog to collect...

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  4. This is an awesome post! #10 is so true, although I would trade a morning of sleeping for giving him some!

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