9.21.2009

PSA for Women

This post may get graphic. Consider yourself warned.

It’s time to come together. We are women and we need to be there for each other. Whether we are working moms or stay at home moms, we are over worked and under appreciated. Despite our best efforts, we have yet to close the wage gap. We are objectified and criticized. We have expectations to meet that are near impossible, yet we somehow manage. Our day is spent in rush hour, at work, in rush hour again, at soccer practice, at ballet recital, at PTA meetings, bake sale prepping and husband coddling and at the end of the day we have no time for ourselves.

So please, we must come together and support each other. We are the only ones who will look out for us. Please read the following PSA and keep other women and mothers in mind while reading.

-Stop cutting me off on the highway. I’m sorry that I don’t drive as fast as you like but cutting me off to get one more car ahead in line at the exit that’s backed up for 18 miles will not get you to work any faster. And news flash: you’re not the only person rushing to get to work on time. That’s why it’s called “rush hour”. So sit your ass in line and wait like everyone else!

-If my brownies taste better than yours at the bake sale, don’t get pissed. Pay me a compliment and strive to do better next time. This Battle of the PTA Moms bullshit is getting old.

-If you have the upper leg strength to hover, I respect and admire that. But please, for the love of God, wipe down the toilet seat when you’re done! I don’t have the hovering abilities so when my fat ass drops down on that seat, I really would like for it to be dry.

-Take the “My Kid can Beat up Your Honor Student” bumper sticker off your car. It’s trashy and it’s not funny anymore. And are we really teaching our kids to be bullies? Really.

-I know what feminine products look like. I don’t need to see yours in the disposal container in the bathroom stall. Wrap your shit up, please!

-Quit with the "mommy wars"!. It's none of your business whether I have a baby hanging off my boob or not. If I want to give him/her formula, it won't kill them. In fact, they will be full and happy and will continue to grow. If I want to lop off the tip of my son's penis in a barbaric and grotesque tradition, I will. He will heal and have no memory of my horrific parenting decision. If I want to contribute to the decline of the environment by using disposable diapers, I will. Consider it my contribution. And NONE of this is anyone's business but my own!

-And quit bickering over who has it worse. Working moms are away from their kids all day every day during the week. It sucks. Stay at home moms can’t get away at all. It sucks. Seriously, does it matter who has it better or who has it worse? No. So I’ll tell you what I tell my son. Get over it!

Please note that this is a completely snarky commentary on every day things that just piss me off. I do NOT want to harm my children, destroy the environment or run psychotic motorists off the road. Well, that last one... nevermind.

9.14.2009

The Rules of Attending a Baseball Game

Listen up ladies!


I know that you all want to impress your man by being supportive of his favorite baseball team, but there are a few rules that should be followed when attending a baseball game. These are non-negotiable and any violation of these rules should result in your ejection from the ball park and a 30 game suspension before you may attend another game.

-The only acceptable shirt to wear to a ball game is a t-shirt, sweatshirt, modest tank top or jersey bearing the name or logo of the home team.

-Tube tops, halter tops and cut off or tied up t-shirts are not acceptable. It doesn’t matter how tanned, toned or skinny you are. You’re there to watch baseball, not dance for money.

-The only acceptable clothing for below the waist is jean, khakis or reasonable length shorts.

-Mini skirts, daisy dukes are not acceptable. Additionally, your pants should fit well enough that your ass crack won’t be showing when you sit down. If it is, I reserve the right to throw pennies into your ass crack for my personal entertainment.


Mariah, you're doing it wrong.
-The only acceptable footwear is sneakers, or in extenuating circumstances (for example, extreme heat) flip flops.
-Wedges, pumps, high heel sandals and platforms are not acceptable. If I see you wearing heels, I reserve the right to trip you. I will laugh.

-While drinking is acceptable and even encouraged, sloppy drunken behavior resulting in the extreme annoyance of attendees around you will not be tolerated. I may “accidentally” spill my beer on you in a passive aggressive payback sort of way.

-You don’t need to wear excessive amounts of make up. No one is there to look at you. They are there to watch the game.

-Don’t yell a player’s name if you don’t know who they are. Yelling the wrong name is just as bad at a ball park as it is in bed.

-You do not need to go get your hair did before the game. A pony tail is perfect for a ball game. And if you really want to support your man, wear a team hat.

9.10.2009

The One Where I Dig Deep

Watch out, it could get messy.

Razor Status: Dormant
Days Since Last Eyebrow Wax: 14 (but I have been tweezing)
Hubby's Mood: Cranky

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I have been back at work for a week and a half now and things are so different. People are acting different and I'm feeling like I'm less welcome by people who I thought I was friendly with. And it's not one person either. I don't know what's going on.

I have always been a people pleaser. I strive to make other people happy and I struggle with making a decision that will upset people. Especially people I'm close with. I don't like confrontation and I'm more likely to back down than I am to stand my ground. As you can imagine, it's stressful and I have been taken advantage of more than once. The worst part is, I'm often this way towards people who could care less. It's usually the people who I'm trying to keep happy who are the ones who get upset easily and don't care that I'm making an honest effort.

It's hard for me to be this way. I stress about it and I cry about it. I did a lot of crying yesterday. More than I should have but I'm sure some of that was fueled by hormones. I want to say that I will stop caring what people think about me. I want to say that I will take on this whole new attitude. And I will try. It's just really hard to change something that is such a fundamental part of who you are. But like I said, I will try.

9.08.2009

Top Ten Reasons I Want to Have Sex

Get me while I'm hot!

Razor Status: Resting
Days Since Last Eyebrow Wax: 13
Hubby's Mood: Antsy

In no particular order.

1. I just shaved. It could be a while before these legs (and whatnot) are smooth again so unless you don't like the feel of silky smooth legs, let's go. Of course, if you prefer the fuzzy leg feel, we can wait a week.

2. I just watched Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney get it on in her father's boat and I'm feeling a little randy. Chances are it'll be good so what are you waiting for?

3. I just tried on my skinny jeans and they fit. Nothing makes me feel sexier than a little confidence booster and the skinny jeans are the ultimate compliment. Let's celebrate!

4. I feel bad. I was PMSing for a week and then on my period for another 4 days or so. It's been a while. Don't bitch about it. It's sex, isn't it?

5. I just got back from a slumber party and seeing all the sex toys got me fired up. I may have even brought one home to play with. Wanna see what I bought?

6. The kids fell asleep a few minutes early. Quick, you have about 10 minutes before I'm ready to pass out. And I'm told that that's more than enough time.

7. I just finished off 32 oz. of Red Bull. I've got enough energy to have a nice romp in the sack but take advantage now. Once it wears off I'll be comatose for the next 8 hours.

8. I'm buzzed. I'm not sure if there is something wrong with getting your wife drunk so you can get some, but hey, whatever works.

9. You happen to look really hot today. If you're lucky, I'll just jump your bones and you won't have anything to say about it.

10. The kids are with one of the grandparents for the night. I may even shave, have a glass of wine and watch a scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith to get myself into the mood. Just make sure you have some energy because who knows when we will be kid free for an entire night again.

9.07.2009

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want to Have Sex

In no particular order.


Razor Status: Active
Days Since Last Eyebrow Wax: 12
Hubby's Mood: Antsy

1. We just had a fight. Regardless of the popular belief that make-up sex is the best sex, when I'm mad, don't even talk to me let alone try to touch me. Unless you really don't want any more kids. Because I will be tempted to send a testicle or two straight into your abdomen. Surgery may be required for retrieval.

2. I'm tired. No really. Unless you want me falling asleep in the middle of it, just wait until tomorrow night. Really. And stop telling me it will help me sleep.

3. I have a headache. Surprisingly enough, it is occasionally true. Occasionally. No, I don't want a Motrin. I'm enjoying the excuse right now.

4. I'm on my period. I'm sorry that it's inconvenient, but it's not going to happen. And no, I won't go down on you. No nookie for me means no nookie for you.

5. I have a date with my gynecologist tomorrow. He knows I have sex. I just don't need a neon sign down there announcing it.

6. My period just ended. Like 5 minutes ago. Give me a day to freshen up, would ya? Geez!

7. I just shit out a kid. You know how uncomfortable your ass feels after you've been sitting on the john for the last 45 minutes? Right, try shitting out something the size of a damned watermelon and then tell me if you want to be shoving anything up there any time soon. Besides, you probably wouldn't be able to feel anything any way.

8. I got chewed out by my boss at work. If I'm preoccupied with something like a crappy day at work, it's nothing personal but really, I'm not in the mood.

9. I'm sick. Unless you think coughing and hacking like an 80 year old smoker is sexy, leave me alone. And no, sex won't clear my sinuses.

10. I'm a mom. Wiping snot, cleaning up spit up and changing shitty diapers all day isn't exactly a turn on. If you come home from work after I have been taking care of the kids all day, you better be prepared to wine and dine me if you want a piece of ass. Or get me drunk. Either is fine.

9.02.2009

It's Not Your Daughter's Sleep Over

It's a Slumber Party.

Current Weight: Embarrassing
Razor Status: Resting
Days Since Last Eyebrow Wax: 7
Hubby's Mood: Antsy

In my pre-muffin top days (aka: pre-motherhood) my girlfriends and I would occasionally get together for a Slumber Party. Sometimes as often as once a month. Now, you may or may not be thinking the same thing I did the first time I was invited, which was something along the lines of "I'm not 13 anymore and my husband will think I'm an idiot when I tell him I'm going to a slumber party!". But after it is explained to you and you relay that information to him, he will gladly offer to watch all 18 (if you're the Duggars) of your kids, hand over the check book and take out a home loan and send you on your merry way.

Because this isn't your daughter's sleep over. This is a demonstration party like none other you have been to. It's full of laughter and latex. A Slumber Parties is a direct sales company speciallizing in romance enhancement. They have some of the most wonderful products suitable for any couple. From the mildly curious to the wildly adventurous and everyone in between.

The first time I went to a Slumber Party, I was uneasy and nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect but the demonstrator was classy and respectible. But even still, allI bought a feather tickler and that was pretty much it. When I got home that night my husband said "That's all you got?". About a month later I went to another demonstration at my sister in law's house and remembered Hubby's reaction the last time I came home. So I decided to spice my order up a bit. And it was at that show that I booked my own demonstration.

Well, my show ended up with more than $1,500 in sales which landed me a nice chunk of change to spend on anything in the catalogue. And my demonstrator told me that it was the biggest show she had ever done. I was thrilled!

I went to a total of 5 shows including my own. And then my demonstrator quit. Ugh! It's not like this was your neighborhood Avon lady. This was someone we had built a rapport with. We felt comfortable discussing vibrators and lubricants with her. That's not a conversation I'm willing to have with just anybody. It's very personal. So we haven't had a demonstration in at least 2 years. I'm a little sad about that.

So if you know anyone that you could recommend in the northeast Philadelphia to central New Jersey area that does Slumber Parties demonstrations, please let me know! I want to have another show!!! And so does my sister in law. So there's at least two shows in it for whoever we contact.