2.15.2010

The Art of Hair Removal


It's no mistake that women make painstaking efforts to make ourselves look good. Countless hours in front of a mirror, cursing at a hair dryer prove it. We hate every second of it and yet we don't ever give it up. Why? Not because our men like the outcome, but because we like the outcome. We want to impress our friends, our neighbors, our mothers and our sisters so we burn our fingers and singe our hair to get that perfect curl. We want to feel super-sexy so we drag sharp metal objects along our netherregions to remove the hair. We don't want to look at caterpillars when we look in the mirror so we rip hair out of our faces.

Who's idea was it to start "shaping" our eyebrows anyway? I'm almost certain that it started as some form of midevil torture and someone realized that it would be a great way to "beautify" the girls in thier village. Probably some crazy woman. Because I can guarantee that you will never hear a man whisper to his friend "OMG, Stacy totally needs to do something about those eyebrows!" No, but us girls will. Don't lie. You do it too.

And so, today I went to get my eyebrows waxed. The lady that does them at the salon I go to is called an "Eyebrow Artist". Really, the title is fitting because her work could be featured in the MOMA. It's a 10-15 minute event when I get my eyebrows waxed.

Here's the drill:

1. She uses a cotton ball to smooth out my caterpillars eyebrows so she can see what shape they are naturally. I think to myself, "oh, this feels nice, it won't be so bad."

2. Using an extremely technically advanced tool a popsicle stick, she smears searing hot lava wax over what feels like my entire face.

3. She then gently but firmly presses a strip of fabric over the lava wax.

4. Using a swift motion, she rips off my entire eyelid and half of my forehead the fabric strip, sending searing pain from one ear, across my forehead to the other ear, paralyzing my forehead as effectively as Botox and sending tears to my eyes, thus causing my mascara to run revealing a bloody perfectly shaped eyebrow.

5. She repeats these steps on the upper and lower portion of each eyebrow and in between.

6. As if that's not enough torture She then tweezes all the little fuckers hairs that didn't make it onto the wax strip in order to create a clean, precise shape.

7. She then rubs baby lotion in a feeble attempt to alleviate some of the pain.

8. I go back to work/home/shopping/crying with blazing red, hot, swollen, itchy eyebrows that will draw stares for the next half hour.

9. I then see my friends and curse them under my breath for being so judgemental that I have to get my eyebrows waxed.

10. I proceed to whisper to Amanda about Stacy's caterpillars eyebrows.

Tune in next time for a detailed account of bikini line shaving.

4 comments:

  1. I feel your pain!! So been there. My eyebrows usually flame for over an hour OUCH!

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  2. I can handle my eyebrows, it's my ankles that make me want to scream bloody murder!

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  3. LOLOLOL! This is too funny and I so wish I could get some professional waxing done - is that TMI? LOL Its been a while...sigh. Finances. Stopping by from harriets comment love to say hi,
    Tracy

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  4. Love your humor :)

    Following you from Friday Follow!!!

    http://mandysfrugaljourney.blogspot.com/

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