2.03.2010

Top Ten Reasons Winter is Hazardous to My Marriage

Punk(sutawney) Phil saw his shadow yesterday. Who's bright idea was it to rely on a damn rat to decide our seasons? Seriously. That person should be shot. Or chewed apart by groundhogs. Poetic justice. I'm just sayin'.

I hate the winter. Aside from growing up in Florida and thinking that anything under 70 is chilly, it's just a depressing season altogether. Here's why.

1. It's cold. Just in case you weren't sure.

2. Somehow large bulky sweaters don't do very much in the way of flattering my figure. I'm pretty sure that the hubby prefers a tank top over 38 pounds of knitted wool.

3. The big bulky sweaters allow room for me to cheat on my diet. A lot. No really. A. Lot.

4. Constantly covering my legs with long pants does not do anything to help my already pasty white complexion. In fact, the glare coming off my legs the other day in the shower while I was shaving was equally blinding and depressing.

5. Speaking of shaving, the razor is usually dormant during the winter. Honestly, the Pope probably sees more action during the winter than my razor does. And I'm pretty sure that the fuzzy, winter leg feel is not something that turns the hubby on. Perhaps I should ask.

6. Dry skin. Oh, the pain, the itch, the flakes. It's terrible. When I wear black, it ends up looking like it snowed inside my shirt. Sexy.

7. I could probably provide power for a small village with the amount of static that is running through me. It's really not that sexy when you electrocute someone every time you touch them. Although, it could bring a whole new meaning to foreplay. Hey hunny, want to give a little S&M a try?

8. Speaking of static, while the hubby is pretty smart, I doubt he married me for my uncanny Albert Einstein impression.

9. Aside from the wonders that winter does for my figure, hair and complexion, the cold tends to drive everyone into the house. Cabin fever is in full swing and if the weather doesn't warm up, I'm going to be relying heavily on Tide and Hefty to keep my ass out of jail.

10. It's cold. Did I mention that? Ok, just making sure.

5 comments:

  1. You are hilarious! I am so glad I found this blog. Now I have someone new to stalk. Another woman who understands action flicks, is just so refreshing to find. As for winter *sigh* I have three more months of it and it will take all summer to lose the weight I gained hibernating and watching Armageddon every single weekend.

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  2. Your list is hysterical! And so true. I tend not to mind winter so much. I love curling up with the family in front of a roaring fire and watching movies or reading a book - but I have to agree with you on the other stuff! LOL

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  3. Comment luv greetings from sunny Cairo!
    I'm a woman too :)

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  4. I agree with everything you wrote. Winter is the unsexiest time of the year. Funny list.

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