Random Tuesday Thoughts:

Let's get random, bitches!


I like the idea of posting random tweets from my Twitter stream, since they all seem to be random thoughts, anyway.  Aside from my consistent of the word "fuck".  That's not so random. 

Why must my children wake up at 6 am EVERY.FUCKING.MORNING?!? #sleepwouldbenice

     I have decided that I am fucking fantastic. It's ok if you're jealous. I understand.

@jangofet #hashtags #are #fucking #awesome!

      @angelynn_ I have 1 under my pillow, 1 on my night stand and 1 hanging next to the toilet paper in the bathroom (don't ask) #lightsabersrock

Funny watching #BoardwalkEmpire, the Hammonton sign still says the same thing!

    @NMSIECK Twitter and a WW Dark Chocolate Raspberry Ice Cream Bar

YAAAAWN! The Kid was up at 4 am puking. I only gagged twice. Fun. Its going to be a multi-cuss word day. Now where's my fucking coffee.

And in the interest of consistency on Random Tuesday, here's a picture of a random piece of man candy.  That hand is looking pretty dangerous!  Thanks, Crystal!!!

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I Invented Post-Its


I got a Facebook invitation to my 10 year high school reunion.

I think I'm having an anxiety attack!

High school... to put it mildly...

Really Fucking Sucked!!!

It goes without saying that I wasn't popular.  But really, I wasn't really the type of person who wished for popularity.  Just acceptance.  Even up until the very end (ie. prom) I was rejected.  Would you believe that I was kicked out of the limo for prom?  Oh yeah, I was the "friend" that got the boot in favor of someone else.  So my boyfriend and I rented a car instead.  A really nice car that we kept all weekend.  So take that, fuckers.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how I feel about this reunion.  In fact, I'm not even sure I can form a logical, sensible thought about it.  I have two friends that want me to go.  My maid of honor, Morgan and my fellow photog friend, Heather.

Heather told me that we would go together a la Romy and Michelle.  We totally invented Post-Its.  I discovered the formula for the glue and Heather thought to make them yellow.  Shut the fuck up, Janeane Garofalo!!!

I guess it's a good thing I started Weight Watchers.  Because if I go to this thing, I better look really fucking amazing!  Like, make all the popular chicks jealous and all the popular guys suck in their beer bellies.  I have the dress picked out and everything.  Hold on to your husbands because I don't feel like wiping drool off my dress all night!

So, I think I'm going.  But I made Heather swear that she would stick with me.  Otherwise I might have to bust out my Carrie powers.  

Payback's a bitch, bitches!!!
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Doing Something About It

Ok, so instead of just constantly making fun of my muffin top (although, I will continue because it's fun), I will actually DO SOMETHING about it!  Thursday I signed up for Weight Watchers.  I weighed in at 155.  I know it's not bad but I can't stand the way I look.  And the truth is, a healthy weight for my height and age is 124-155.  I don't like being on the "big" end of that weight range.  So I set a small goal.  8 pounds.  Once I hit that, I'll reevaluate and decide if I want to lose more.

I weighed in last night for the first time and I had lost 5 pounds already!  I think it's mostly first week shock on my body and I fully expect that next Tuesday will be much different.  I will not be expecting that much loss.  And yes, I weighed myself at the same time of the day.

So, if you're interested, I'm going to keep all three of my readers posted on my progress.

Don't worry, I'll still be my same old cranky, dry, sarcastic self.  Just skinnier.

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I Ate Shit (And You Can, Too!)

 Did you ever want to send something to someone other than flowers or fruit baskets?  How about you send them some shit.  No, really.  Pooparcels.com has just the shit for you.

I stumbled across this website and HAD to contact them.  This was the PERFECT product for me to feature on my blog!

So what the hell am I talking about?  It's chocolate shit.  Milk chocolate shit and peanut butt-er chocolate shit.  It's the perfect thing to send people when you want to tell them "My mom's the shit!" or "Getting old is shitty!"  Because let's face it.  "Not everyone deserves flowers!"

I was so excited to see my little box arrive in the mail!  I just knew what was inside and I was so anxious to open it!  The inner box was wrapped in what seemed to be a somewhat insulated wrapper to keep it from getting warm and melting.

Upon opening the box I was greeted with the spectacular proclamation, "You're the shit!"  Damn straight, I am!

You can pick whatever salutation you want, or you can write your own.  Of course, there are PG rated salutations as well, but that's just not as much fun.

Now, there is absolutely no better person in the world than my brother to share this with.  He has the same sense of toilet bowl humor as me (pun totally intended!) so I was ecstatic when he called to tell me that he was visiting from North Carolina and would be stopping by tonight.  When I handed my brother the box to show him, my husband said to me:

"Nice, your brother drives all the way up to see you and you give him shit to eat."

Can you tell how grossed out he was?

So I handed him he box and said:

"Here, eat shit."

And he was so reluctant to try it.  Can't you tell? 

His review:

"It doesn't taste like shit."

As for my review, it was delicious!  It was not at all heavy and it wasn't too sweet or rich.  I was really surprised at how good the chocolate was and I immediately wanted more.  But my brother, being the 26 year old bachelor that he is, didn't see anything wrong with EATING ALL MY SHIT!  So I got exactly two bites, hubby got one and my bottomless pit of a brother ate the rest.

Now here's the best part:

You can get your very own shit FOR FREE!  Pooparcels.com is giving away a turd to one lucky reader!  WOOT!  Here's what you have to do to enter:

1. Go to Pooparcels.com and click on "Scatalogical Salutations".  Check out all the salutations and come back here to leave me a comment telling me what you would pick to send along with your turd (of course, if you win you can chose something different if you want to).  *This is required before any other entry will be counted.

2. Follow me and Pooparcels on Twitter and tweet this as many times as you want during the giveaway (leave a comment for each tweet, including the URL):

     RT @MuffinTopMommy Enter #giveaway to #win a #chocolate turd from @Pooparcels.  http://twurl.nl/lya07s Ends 9/30 

3. "Like" Muffin Top Monologues and Poo Parcels on Facebook and post this in your Facebook status as many times as you want during the giveaway (leave a comment for each update, including the URL):

     "Like" Muffin Top Monologues and Poo Parcels and enter to win a free turd! Because not everyone deserves flowers. http://twurl.nl/lya07s Ends 9/30

4. Follow me on Google Friend Connect and leave me a comment that you did.

5. Subscribe through Feedburner and leave a comment that you did.

6. Blog about this giveaway and leave two separate comments that you did, including URL.  This will get you 2 entries!

Entries will be accepted until midnight on 9/30/10. Winner will be drawn on 10/1/10. The winner will be contacted by email and will have 48 hours to respond or prize will be forfeited and a new winner will be drawn. Prize will be shipped directly from the sponsor.  Good luck!

*I was provided a sample for my review.  The opinions expressed are my own and free from sponsor influence.


Random Tuesday Thoughts: The VMA Edition

Let's get random, bitches!


Some random tweets from my Twitter stream while watching the VMA's

I'm pretty sure that Lady Gaga is really just Marilyn Manson in drag. Or not in drag. Or whatever his/her angle is these days. #vma

          I can't stand her (Lady Gaga)! The only pop star I can somewhat tolerate is Katy Perry. Somewhat. #vma

And what the fuck is a Ke$ha? #vma

          Dear MTV, What's up with the psychotic Mickey Mouse? It's scaring me. #vma

And how are you supposed to say Ke$ha? I'm thinking: "keh-dollarsign-hah" No? #vma

          The only "situation" I'm aware of is the severity of your melanoma and premature aging in 5 years. #jerseyshore #vma

I'm convinced that people become "non-conformists" to be cool. Which I'm pretty sure is an oxymoron. Or just a moron. #ladygaga #vma

          What is this chick's name? She's the only performer that I have been impressed with tonight. #vma 
          @MuffinTopMommy Haley from Paramore.
           That's why I like her, LMAO! She's a rocker chick! #vma

And now this chick looks like a dude channeling Madonna circa 1987 #vma

          Oh, those were the days when GNR won Best New Artist.  Now it's a prepubescent teenager who is wearing a toupee. Sigh. #vma

And why is she wearing a fileted cow? #ladygaga #vma

     I'm wondering if Kanye is toasting himself. #vma

YES!!! RT @slpowell: That would kick ass!! RT @jertaybro Taylor Swift needs to interrupt Kanye's stupid song! #vmas

Additionally, although I didn't tweet this, can someone please back me up on this... Jared Leto is still a fine piece of ass!  In fact, I think he looks better now than he did back in the day.  And if you don't know that Jared Leto had a career before 30 Seconds to Mars, get the fuck off my blog.  HAHA!  Just kidding.  (But no, really.)

That's all.  Peace, I'm out!

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Bottoms Up: Chocolate Martini Recipe

I don't like drink recipes that measure ounces because who measures that shit out anyway and it never makes enough.  So I go by parts.  That way if you want one part to be a shot or one part to be a cup, you'll always have the right mixture.

What you'll need:

Godiva Chocolate Liqueur (I use original but they have a bunch of different flavors and all of them would work for this recipe.  Just pick the one you like.  Or more.)
Vanilla Vodka (I like Svedka.  It's a little more expensive but you will notice a smoother taste with a higher quality vodka.)
Cream (You can use whatever cream you want but I like mine extra creamy so I use half and half.)
Chocolate Syrup (Again, whatever you like but I prefer Hershey's.  You can also substitute with caramel syrup if you want.)
A Martini Shaker (The bigger the better.  Size matters, girls!  Don't let a man tell you otherwise.)
A Martini Glass (Again, bigger = better.)

Optional Ingredients:

Creme de Cacao (I don't use it.)
Creme de Menthe


Pour the following into your shaker:

1 part vanilla vodka
2 parts Godiva Liqueur
2 parts cream
4 or 5 cubes of ice

Shake vigorously until you get a frothy foam on the top of your mixture.  Line your glass with the syrup of your choice.  Pour your mixture into your glass.  Savor and enjoy!

Optional mixture:

If you want to use the Creme de Cacao, pour two parts into your mixture and shake.

If you want to use the Creme de Menthe, pour one part into your mixture and shake.  This will give you a "Thin Mint" taste that I like to call a Dirty Girl Scout Martini.

Hope you enjoy it!  Just watch out because they go down smooth and will slap you in the face if you drink them too fast.


I'll Take a Dozen Eggs, Please.

I have a question.

Does anyone have a good reason why us women have to have a period everyfuckingmonth?  I mean, really.  Most women have anywhere from 2-4 kids.  If you're feeling ambitious, maybe more, like this brave woman.  But even if you're like her, that means you only actually use those eggs eight times in your life.  And if you don't go through menopause until you're about 60, then we're talking about roughly 45 years of periods.  Times 12 months in the year.  You do the math.  That's a lot of fucking eggs.  Who needs that many eggs?  I mean, besides Michelle Duggar.  I'm just wondering.

Not only are we suffering through our monthly gift but we're also subjecting our families to the wrath of Aunt Flo.  The bitchiness, the attitude.  The get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way-before-I-bite-your-fucking-head-off-because-I-feel-like-a-black-widow-and-they-do-shit-like-that-don't-they.

All I'm saying is this.  God, we have to wipe snot, pick up toys, to laundry, carpool kids, bathe, nurse, swaddle, do dishes, dust, vacuum, scrub, wipe and mop.  You couldn't cut us a break?  Seriously?  Men have to mow the lawn and take the garbage out.  And occasionally bust out a screwdriver but let's face it, women are pretty handy with tools, too.  I wouldn't object to my husband have a monthly period.  I mean, he's on the rag once a month anyway, you might as well give him the breakouts, bleeding and cramps to go with his bitchy attitude.  And if that's too much to ask for, I'll take a dozen eggs.  That's how the grocery store sells them so it only makes sense.  I'm just saying.

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Random Tuesday Thoughts: God, bitches and pimps

It's time to get random, bitches!


Yesterday, Hubby sat down to play a video game.  Excited, The Kid grabbed the other controller and told Hubby that he wanted to "Elp" (we're still working on our H's) him "get the bad guys".  So, in the interest of teaching The Kid valuable lessons in the history of organized crime, Hubby gave him the controller and said "Ok, you got my back?".  To which The Kid replied "Yep!", then grabbed Hubby's arm and said "Now I got your arm!"

The Diva sounds like a lawnmower when she sleeps.  I think I'm going to take a recording to play back to her prom date in about 17 years.

No one can ever tell me that I'm not planning for the future!

I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought two cans of formula for The Diva.  I gave the cashier two of those Enfamil check/coupon thingies.  One for $5 and one for $3.  She rang the first one up as $5 but rang the second one up as $30.  Of course I didn't realize it until I got in the car and looked at my receipt.  Now, the Christian in me was telling me that God wants me to make the right choice and go back inside to let her correct it.  But the Broke Ass Bitch in me was telling me that obviously, God wanted me to have free formula.  Broke Ass Bitch won that argument.

We had a Labor Day party on Sunday.  It was fun and we had lots of food and drinks.  I had about 3 glasses of Tuscan Lemonade Vodka mixed with Sprite.  Talk about YUMMO!  Well, I guess God was punishing me for my future choices because I woke up yesterday feeling like Death had run me over, backed up over me and ran me over again.  With a cement truck.  That was full of cement.

I'm trying to break into review/giveaway blogging.  Mainly because I want free shit.  But really, who doesn't  But also, think of the TRAFFIC!  Review/giveaway bloggers are like the pimps of the blogging world.  They get all the traffic, all the free shit and all the fun.  I want to be a pimp.

My friend Crystal has to stop posting photos like this on Facebook.  Or maybe she should post more.  I'm still deciding.  Thoughts?

That's it for today.  Peace.  I'm out.


I Promised You a Post About Multiple Orgasms

So here it is. 

I went to a Dove Chocolate Discoveries party on Saturday night.  Oh. Em. Gee.  (I'm somewhat ashamed that I just wrote that but in the interest of dramatic tone, it stays)  It was amazing!  There was so much chocolate to be tasted and it was all absolutely incredible!

You might lose a hand
Milk Chocolate Cappuccino Biscottini... orgasmic!  They are like chocolate covered coffee biscotti.  In mini form.  Meaning, poppable.  Meaning, an hour at my desk at work and they would be gone.  Pair them with a cup of coffee and I'm ready to take on anything you throw my way.  Just don't reach for any or you may come back with a nub.

Orgasmic delicious
Sugar-Free Chocolates... orgasmic!  I know what you're thinking.  Ew.  Right?  No, not ew.  They are delicious!  I mean, orgasmic delicious!  The rep passed around the samples and had us taste them first.  Then she told us that they were sugar-free and you could practically hear everyone gasp!  As a rule I don't usually eat anything that's sugar-free but this was so good that I would have never known unless she told me.

Sex in my mouth!
Chocolate Mousse... orgasmic!  This was the first thing on my order form!  The lady passed around a plate with spoons on it that held a mouthful of mousse.  As she passed it around she mentioned that there weren't enough spoons for everyone (PANIC!!!) but that she had more so she would pass out spoonfuls to people who didn't get one (Whew!  I was starting to worry!).  Well, I was one of the lucky ones because she took a HUGE spoonful and handed it to me.  It was like sex in my mouth (except it tasted better and there was no issue with that pesky gag reflex)!!!  I have to say that it was probably the best chocolate I had ever tasted.  Hands down.  I mean, who needs a husband when you have this shit?  Really?

There was also chocolate fondue with pineapple, strawberries, pretzels and potato chips.  There were chocolate martinis and of course wine.  I had such a good time at the party!  I even booked a party for myself in October (the day before my birthday) so that I could earn free chocolate.  I can't wait!

Oh, then I went home and had sex.  But the chocolate was better.  Just don't tell the hubby.