3.30.2010

This Post Doesn't Have A Title Because I'm Sick and Forgot


In case you weren't aware, I'm sick. I whined about it here where I got a whopping 0 comments stating that my readers were so devastated to learn of my ailing health. And I wrote a clever haiku here with an even clever-er (word?) title to draw readers, which didn't work, that got 0 comments. Blogging fail.

Anyway, I finally dragged my ass to the doctor. I thought it would make for an interesting blog post. Wrong again.

The only thing that was remotely blog worthy could have been my weigh in. Why? The nurse didn't let me take my shoes off. Something about foot fungus or the like. Whatever.

I weighed 154 lbs. But I had my shoes on so it was probably more like 130 lbs.

Diet over. Bring on the bon-bons!

Stay tuned for my post about the fucking morons behind the drive thru pharmacy.

3.29.2010

Blogging in My Underwear


Sick: A Haiku

I'm feeling like hell
The room is spinning so fast
Time to take a nap

3.25.2010

It's the Little Things that Make Moms Proud



The Kid out of nowhere turned to me yesterday and said "Mommy, Yankees are yucky!".

As a proud Phillies fan who is still reeling from their loss to the Yankees last year, hearing this from my (almost) three year old son was like music to my ears.

I was so proud! I almost cried. I think Hubby did.

3.22.2010

I Thought the Pacquiao Look was Sexy


One of my New Years Resolutions this year was to start taking better care of myself.  This would include your typical eating right and exercising, but also things like doing something with my hair and wearing at least a little bit of makeup.

I have done pretty well with the last two.  Partly for Hubby, but partly for myself as well.  And I have to say, it has helped me feel a little more confident when I leave the house in the morning.

Unfortunately, not so much by the end of the day.

I came home from work the other day and Hubby asked me,

"Do you have a black eye or is your makeup just smeared?"

"I'm sorry, you don't like my battered boxer look?  I thought it might turn you on."

I felt super sexy!

3.16.2010

My Closet is Depressing


I organized my closet this weekend because I was so tired of not being able to find any pants that fit me. So I pulled all of my clothes out of my closet and put all my pants on one rack and all my shirts on another. You know what I discovered? I have a shit-ton (my new favorite word, care of Julie at Momspective) of pants. Thirty to be exact. And that doesn't count what's in the laundry room downstairs.

And do you know how many fit me? About five. Yep. Five. You know what that means? I have a shit-ton (there it is again) of pants that I need to squeeze my fat ass into.

So I can either start getting my money's worth out of my gym membershit (yes, I know it's spelled wrong; I did it on purpose), get my poop in a group and join Wii Mommies or invest in a really good girdle. I'm thinking that last one isn't such a good idea.

3.15.2010

Jessie's Song (from Hell)


Hubby likes "Saved by the Bell". A lot. And so do his friends. In fact, they just got all fired up when I told them that there will be a SBTB reunion in 2011. It's true. IMDB said so.

Anyway, he's gotten my son hooked on the show. Yes, I have a 3 year old who loves to watch a sitcom about high school kids from the early '90s. We are awesome parents.

So Hubby loaded up The Kid's iPhone with about a dozen episodes of SBTB. On it is the episode "Jessie's Song". You know, the one where Jessie is popping caffeine pills so she can stay up to study for the geometry midterm? That one. This is The Kid's favorite episode. He calls it "The Music One". He plays it all the time. Over and over again. And over again. I have it memorized.

You want to know some of the words to the song they sing in the video they make? I don't have to look it up. I remember.

"Here's a message that I'm sendin' to you.
You can do what you want to do.
A little work never hurt no one.
It's the only way to get things done.
Put your mind to it, go for it.
You've gotta break a sweat.
Rock and ro-ol, you ain't seen nothin' yet"

You want to know what Zack says when Slater tells him that he thinks Jessie is doing "drugs"?

"Jessie's my friend, I'm not going to listen to this!"

And when Jessie starts freaking out in her room with Zack?

"I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared!"

Yes, I just quoted all that from memory. Yeah. I hate that episode.

And it was on TV this morning, too.

And then, due to her escalating drug problem, Jessie moved to Las Vegas, became a Show Girl and pushed Gina Gershon down a flight of steps.

3.12.2010

Random Facts About Me (as a blogger)


There are certain things about me ass (Yes, I know I typed "ass". It should have been "as" but I think it's funny. So it stays.) a blogger that even I find perplexing.

-I judge a book by it's cover. If I'm on entrecard and I see a pretty button, I will click it before I click a boring one.

-I will probably like your blog more if you cuss.

-I hate paid posts. Especially when they have nothing to do with the blog that I'm reading. It's annoying.

-I hate broken English. It hurts my brain to read it.

-I know that sounds very prejudiced of me but I swear I'm not. I just prefer not to read things that hurt my brain.

-I think posts about shit, farts and other bodily functions are hysterical.

-If I read something that I want more information about, I will google the shit out of it until I find what I want to know. I recently read a blog post about another blogger who died. I googled and googled until I found out what happened. And then I was sad. I almost cried.

-I love a lot of blogs. And I will read them as often as I remember. But there are two blogs that I habitually check and get disappointed when I don't see a new post. I need my fix every day. They are Going Guerilla and Really? I like them because they cuss and they think the same things are funny as I do. And they don't mind if I cuss in my comments. And Jrodius once left me a comment that we might have dated in a past life. Oddly, I was flattered. Even though I don't know him. And I think I may have a lesbian crush on Melissa.

-I use the word "and" in the beginning of a lot of my sentences. Partly because I think short sentences add to the humor of my post. And I know it's gramatically incorrect but I don't care. And... I don't have anything else to add to that.

-I have blog design ADD. I loved my blog design when I created it and I was all proud of myself. Now I hate it. And I will probably change it.

-I say "I'm just saying" a lot.

-I'm just saying.

3.10.2010

Details, Details



I detailed the cars this weekend. It was fun. Really. I love being on my hands and knees with a vacuum and a pack of baby wipes, scraping once soggy Cheerios of the floor mats of my car. I do.

Here's a list of what I found. Not that you care but you will read anyway because you know half this shit is in your car, too. And you want to see if someone else has the same shit as you so you won't feel like the only one. Well, I'm telling you now, you're not. It was probably in my car, too.

In no particular order:

4 bluetooth headsets
3 cell phone chargers
23 pens
$4.82 in change (mostly pennies)
64 Fruit Loops
Insurance cards dating back to 2006
Registration cards dating back to 2007
CDs from 1998
8 ties
2 lunch containers
1 broken hair clip
3 tubes of lip gloss
2 iPod clips
4 pair of ear buds
6 Happy Meal toys
5 balls
1 toy piano
and a partridge in a pear tree

3.05.2010

I'm Just Saying



All I wanted to do was order a pizza tonight. (Shut up about the diet. You wouldn't like for this to be the "Physically Fit Monologues" would you? Somehow it's not as fun.) I hate ordering pizza. I hate talking to the guy on the other end. Have you ever noticed that the guy delivering your pizza speaks perfect English but for some reason the guy answering the phone speaks more like Peter Griffin?



Why wouldn't they put the guy who speaks English on the phone? I'm just saying.