10.29.2010

I wonder if I can sue Toys 'R' Us for emotional distress

So... we got the Toys 'R' Us catalog in the mail Tuesday.  Who's bright idea was it to send out HUGE toy catalogs in October?  I mean, really.  October.  So not only is my kid wondering why Christmas isn't TOMORROW, but he's now showing me everything in the catalog that he's going to ask Santa for.  Everything.  Every day.  Multiple times a day.  Not only that, but I get a detailed description of the toy along with an explaination of why he wants the toy.  And if that's not enough, I get a similar explanation in reference to what his cousin will be asking of Santa.

Here's the preliminary list that he gave me as he sat on the floor in the hallway as I sat on the toilet this morning (because apparently this can't wait until Mommy is done peeing):

A Big Foot doll that he calls "Footie". ($89.99)
A Zhu-Zhu Pets race track because apparently he has to race his one and only Zhu-Zhu Pet. ($89.99)
A Follow Me Thomas lantern that the corresponding train will follow when you move it. ($39.99)
Tonka Chuck & Friends Power Playard. ($34.99)
Dance Star Mickey ($59.99)

He has expensive taste in toys, as you can tell.

On a side note: why the hell is there even such thing as a CSI Junior Investigator Kit?  What kind of parent would let their kid watch CSI?  I mean, it's kind of a fucked up show.  Even for me.  Not to mention, should little kids be learning about forensics and facial reconstruction?  Is it normal for kids to learn how to reconstruct a face out of a skull?  Isn't that a little morbid for kids?

"See this skull, kids?  There's no tissue left because it's been decaying in the dessert for months.  And this big hole in the back is from where she was bludgeoned to death.  Now let's see if we can reconstruct her face.  It'll be fun!"

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10.26.2010

Dora and Diego are Hazardous to Mommy's Mental Health

Can someone please explain to me why my kids feel the need to scream all.the.time?  Seriously, you would think that they would have lost their voices by now.  If it’s not “I’M HUNGRY!!!” then it’s “GET ME JUICE!!!” or “SHE’S NOT SHARING!!!”  It’s like there is no such thing as volume control.  Like, that button was busted the day I gave birth.  And what’s worse is my kids sit and watch Dora or Diego (or sometimes, if Nick Jr. is feeling especially sick and twisted, BOTH) and these stupid animated brats are screaming to my kids on TV.  And when they ask them a question, they scream “LOUDER!”  No!  Stop telling my kids to scream louder.  Mommy has a migraine and I’m going to need something stronger than my usual glass of wine to get me through the evening before I snap and have to be committed.  On the other hand, I could really use the peace and quiet that a padded room would provide.  Maybe I should try to incorporate insanity into my whole parenting strategy.

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10.19.2010

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Peeing, cosmos and a sexy little bitch

randomtuesday

Lets get random, bitches!

More goodies from my Twitter stream...

Well hello there, sexy! I haven't seen you in about two years! Oh wait, that's me!


     Home with the kids, wondering if I'll have a chance to sit for more than 3.2 seconds without a kid screaming at me.#wishfulthinking


I have reached the point where the pitter patter of little feet now sounds like a bass drum in my fucking head. #stopstompingthroughthehouse


     Watching the #Rangers stomp on the #Yankees. It's pretty funny.


I'm laying in bed and the kids are in the living room. I really have to pee but if I get up they will see me and start making demands.


     @MariaMelee that would be an awesome law. I propose a similar law, that no toddler should scream at you demanding chocolate milk before 7.


I couldn't hold it anymore. Now I'm in the bathroom with he whole house screaming at me. Yes, I'm tweeting from the bathroom. Get over it.


     I'm thinking of charging admission for tonight's game. If you have Cablevision, come on over to watch the #Phillies. Cover charge is $5.


I'm drunk.


   Someone pour me another cosmo. My buzz is wearing off.


Somehow I managed to spill coffee on myself four times before I even left the parking lot.


   The girls are out shopping while the boys are home napping.


I'm not really sure why I let little things get under my skin. I need to learn to just say "fuck it" and really mean it.


   Hey, #AL #pitchers! If you want to see what REAL pitchers can do, look up #Oswalt in the dictionary! Real men can swing a bat! #Phillies


I am definitely ok with being a "skinny little bitch". I'm ok with being anything as long as it starts with "skinny little".


And here's your random man candy of the week!





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10.12.2010

Random Tuesday Thoughts: A murse, people watching and a shrinking woman

randomtuesday

Lets get random, bitches!

Oh, how I do love my random Twitter stream!

FYI, Sunday is my birthday. You don't need to send flowers. Chocolate would be ok though. I won't mind.

     Dear power company, we're homies and all, but you better get your shit together before game time. The #Phillies won't wait for you!

The Kid has some rank gas tonight! He thinks it's so funny that he's trying to sit on The Hub so he can "make Daddy stink!" #fartsarefunny

   A dude with a murse held the door open for me. It felt so wrong.

My Twitter stream is like people watching except without the awkward moment when I get caught staring.

   No matter what you do, be unapologetically you. #quotesbyme

Mother fucker! http://yfrog.com/nbymfpj

     AMEN!!! RT @alison1L: Internet friends are the best kind of friends.

The Diva was so excited to wish me happy birthday that she woke me up SUPER early to scream it to me in baby babble. Thanks, sweetie!

  I'm pretty sure I just saw Santa on a Harley!

Mirror mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all! ;)

      Do what you do with ownership and conviction. Be responsible for yourself and have no regrets. #quotesbyme

Hubby got me the new iPhone 4 for my birthday. I must say, your tweets look pretty sexy on this little number!

     #itemsindorasbackpack She needs a damn GPS so she can stop asking my three year old for directions!

Hubby gave me his cold for my birthday. Shoulda made him sleep on the couch. Not cool.

     Does anyone want to work for me, give me the paycheck, pick up my kids, cook them dinner and deal with the tantrums? Mommy needs a sick day!

Dear Diet Coke, your love, your love is my drug!

     You know who you're friends with? The incredible shrinking woman! That's right, down a full dress size in only 4 weeks! I'm a sexy bitch!!

@Mrsvas @MamaDweeb Thanks my fellow sexy bitches!! That's right... you're all sexy bitches!

   I'm feeling really fucking spectacular tonight!!!

And here's your random man-candy of the week!  Enjoy and stop drooling on your keyboard!




10.05.2010

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Blue lips, Sham-WOW! and a shaved vag!

Let's get random, bitches!

randomtuesday

The random tweets from my Twitter stream was fun.  So here we go again!


Slept with the windows open last night. It was nice but the kids woke up with blue lips. Whoops! #welcomefall


     @mamakatslosinit Nothing. You find someone you can tolerate being around for extended periods of time and you marry them. ;)


LMAO! RT @angelynn_: Now *that* is a bf RT @geninabug #shitmybestfriendsays 'will you shave my vag before I have my baby'


     Love it!!! RT @lajollamom: @LAStylistMom Yesterday I stopped at the Cabazon outlets. A fab pair of boots jumped in the car with me....


Like Vince? RT @CO2HOG: Too bad we didn’t have a ShamWow to suck the stupid out of people! 


     My kids are normally up at the ass-crack of dawn. The one day I want them up that early and they're both sleeping.


Why am I singing along to the "Real Men of Genius" commercial?


And here's your random Man Candy of the week.  Enjoy!



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10.04.2010

My New Digs

Hi there, I remember you.  Don't recognize me?  That's because I got a make over.  What do you think?  Sexy?  Sophisticated?  Sultry?

Ok, maybe not.  But at least I'm trying.  And there's still some work to be done but I'm getting to it.

Anyway, feedback would be awesome.  Give it to me straight.  I can take it.  And if I can't, I promise not to cry in front of you.

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10.01.2010

Get Groped!

Happy Friday!!!

Ok, we all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  So stop putting it off and feel your boobies.  And if you want to have fun with it, have your man grope you.  However you do it, get a pair of hands on those boobs and get to feeling!

So to kick off the BCAM, here's a few of my favorite phrases.  Some of them are popular and some of them you may not have heard before.  Tell me what your favorites are!

Feel Your Boobies
Save the Tata's
Keep the Headlights Shining
Safe a Life, Grope Your Wife
Save Second Base
Save the Bounce
Touch Your Tits... Or I Will
Save the Hooters


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