The last thing you want to read is another post-Oscar wrap-up

so I will spare you the rehash of the winners list and just share some of my modest observations.

Sandy, sweetie.  Smile.  You're a classic beauty inside and out.  You have a beautiful baby boy (boy, right?).  An entire nation (if not world) of women rallied behind you in disgust of the man who broke your heart.  And the only one who didn't is a tattooed side show freak.  Let her have him.  You have a new man in your life.  Smile.

Reese, I want to slap the perfect right off of you.  But Matel might sue me.  And Ken (or GI Joe) might hunt me down.  But seriously, I love you.

Anne, not bad, hun!  You did good!  It's not your fault Jimmy F. was stoned.

James, lay off the bong.  You're hosting the fucking Oscars, for crying out loud!  PS. You look good in drag.

Oprah, if it was up to you, everyone in the audience would have gotten an Oscar.

Mila, you're gorgeous!  I'm so glad you ditched (wait, who ditched who?) the freaky looking man-child.  I'd like to see you with someone big and buff (but soft and squishy inside) next time around.  Like Dwayne Johnson.  Mmm...

Gwen.  Oh Gwennie.  I like your movies.  Ok, I like Sliding Doors.  And Iron Man.  And Iron Man 2.  Though I want to punch you in he face for kissing Tony Stark.  Because that's my man you're smooching, bitch.  But really?  Country music?  No.

Christian, shave the pubes off your face.  You used to be cute.

Kirk, at 94 years old you're still awesome!  I was in tears from laughing so hard!

Scarlet, please brush your hair next time.

JHud, you're positively gorgeous!  WW couldn't have found a more perfect poster child!

Aaron, seriously.  Shut up.  No really.  That's what a time limit is for.  And the music.  And when it keeps getting louder, and Louder, and LOUDER that means SHUT THE FUCK UP!  No one cares about your damned guinea pig, you pompous ass!

Tom, moms worldwide stood up and cheered after your speech!  We're all so proud of you!


And I do this every.single.day

My morning:

1:30 am - The Kid starts yelling at me from upstairs that he wants to come down.  I race up the steps (trying to avoid breaking my neck on a toy or tripping up the steps) to get him to shut the hell up quiet down before he wakes up his sister.  He falls back asleep in our bed.

1:35 am - The Princess starts crying because her brother woke her up with his middle of the night temper tantrum.  I stumble back up the steps to get her.  She goes back to sleep in her Pack n Play in the living room.

2:30 am - The Kid kicks me in the ribs.

2:45 am - The Kid kicks me in the back.

3:00 am - The Kid kicks The Hub in the ribs.  Some early morning cussing commences.  The Kid sleeps through it, thank goodness.  I gently reposition him to ensure minimal foot assault.

6:30 am - Foster dog wakes up and starts pacing the house.  I get up to let him out so he can pee before he creates a river in the dining room.  I lay back down in bed.

6:45 am - Foster dog wants to come in.  I get up and let him in.  He does the wet dog shake, making enough noise to wake up The Princess.  She starts crying to be let out of her Pack n Play.

6:46 am - The Kid wakes up from all the commotion.  Whining ensues.

6:47 am - I pee.  And listen to The Princess scream outside the bathroom door.  I contemplate locking the door and staying in there all day.

6:48 am - I realize that my phone and computer didn't make it into the bathroom with me and I won't survive a whole day in there without them.  Oh, and food.

6:50 am - I emerge from the bathroom and put on a pair of pants.  The Hub is still sleeping.  I want to kick him in the shins.

7:00 am - I get the kids their milk, but not before spilling an entire cup all over the kitchen.  Crying ensues and the fact that I cannot snap my fingers and have the mess cleaned up and a new cup of milk in their hands makes for fun early morning drama.

7:05 am - Spilled milk is cleaned up and kids have their cups.  I finally pour myself a cup of coffee.

7:06 am - The kids each want a Pop Tart.  I give it to them and lock them in the living room with the baby gate to ensure my sanity won't be further damaged the dogs won't eat their food.

7:08 am - I turn on the news.  The Kid complains for the next 22 minutes about being forced to watch the news.  God forbid he play with his toys.

7:15 am - Fuck!  I realize that I forgot about my cup of coffee sitting on the counter in the kitchen.

7:30 am - I'm tired of listening to The Kid ask me every 30 seconds when the news is going to be over.  I switch the TV to Nick Jr. and lose myself in social networking and coffee.  The Hub is still sleeping.

Christ, I've only been up for an hour.  I need a nap.

Dammit!  I haven't even changed their diapers yet!


Random Tuesday Thoughts: Mouth farts, mysterious stains and a wish


Let's get random, bitches!

Ok, slow week on Twitter for me so this is going to be a short one.  The good news is that the time has been relatively well spent.  Classes to get my home daycare started, an invitation to do book review on my friend's super-cool blog, Reading Between the Wines Book Club.  So I have been reading.  And reviewing.  Call it practice.  Look for me over there in a week or so!

The Princess woke up too early. Screaming. Which woke up The Kid. Who is now screaming. Joy.#getmeouttahere

Old Man Winter showing his face just enough to remind us that he's still here and still a dick.#hatesnow

Wishing I was in Orlando right now.

Losing patience with all 6 of my children tonight (2 furs, 1 foster-fur, 2 biologicals and 1 man-child).

The Princess is rubbing my eyes with the back of her hands. I think she knows Mommy is tired. Or she feels bad for waking me up so early!

Icecream + Kindle = Bliss!

The Princess is blowing mouth farts on the table. Fricking hilarious!

"What's on my shirt and how did it get there?" The mysterious question that haunts moms worldwide.

Negativity is a poison. Once you get a dose you need a good antidote to get it out of your system. So don't let it in at all! - Me!

And here's your random man candy of the week!  Stop drooling on your keyboards, girls!

hot guy abs


Saturday Searches: Coupons, orphans and a butch lesbian

Another amusing week of searches!

Bossy Monologue: I love to tell people what to do.  In my head.

Coupon Organizer Review: I do love my coupon organizer!

Deworm Orphans in Somalia for a Year: Wow, I'm on the first page for those search results!  Now that's an accomplishment!

Etsy Coupon Organizer: Still love it!  And apparently a lot of people are looking for one.

Grandmas Little Lilly: Ok, I'm sensing a pattern here.

Miranda Lambert Mud Swiffer: Really.  You can't deny that there was a strong resemblance at the Grammys.  I'm just impressed I made the first page of that search!

Monologue About Bulimia: Again?  I suspect there are a lot of people out there that need help with their eating disorders.

Monologue Mother Bossy: Really?  I didn't think I was that bossy.  But two searches in one week?  Hmm...

Monologue Muffin: Well...

Muffin Top Bitch: According to urbandictionary.com, this is "A butchy, chunky lesbian."  I'm slightly offended.


I'm not talking about Twilight, girls!

Earlier this week I posted on Twitter that I had discovered a whole new genre of books that I loved.  Of course, the inevitable question was, "What's the genre?"

The fact that it took me this long to pick one up it shocking to me.  Given that I absolutely LOVE vampire movies (Think Underworld, not Twilight), it hardly makes any sense that I hadn't read a single book about vampires or any other paranormal characters.  That is until my good friend (we were BFF's in grade school before everyone called everybody a BFF!), author of Reading Between the Wines Book Club recommended that I read Darkness Dawns by Diane Duvall.  Now, without getting into a review of the book, I have to say that I loved it!  It had plenty of action (and you all know how I feel about action!), mystery and of course, romance.  And I'm not talking about your teenage Twilight romance.  I mean, real, grown up, passionate, sexy, steamy romance.  Like, if they ever made a movie, it would be rated NC-17.  

Anyway, it only took me two days to finish the book but I am anxiously awaiting the second in the series and will be getting it as soon as it comes out!  If you're interested in the genre (Paranormal Romance, or PNR) but don't know where to start, check out Crystal's blog where she has plenty of reviews and recommendations.  Darkness Dawns was a great place for me to start and I spent a great deal of time scouring her blog for my next book!


Top ten ways to seduce your man: A Valentine's Day Special!

Not really sure where to start?  Take some (or all) of these tips to get your man ready for a night of much expected anticipated sex seduction this Valentine's Day!

1. Shave.  Yes, hunny, shave.  I know that Old Man Winter doesn't always require smooth legs but I'm pretty sure that you need to make an exception if you want to turn him on.  Unless of course your man is into the whole bush woman thing.  And while you're waving around sharp metal objects, you might want to tackle that bikini line, too.  I'm just saying.

2. Wash your sheets.  Really.  Getting frisky on fresh, clean sheets is sexy.  Doing the nasty on musty, dog-hair-covered sheets, not so much.  Wash them.

3. Keep the kids up.  All day.  No naps = early bedtime.  Deal with the crankiness.  Deal with the temper tantrums.  You'll curse me out around 4:00 but you'll be thanking me around 8:00.  Good luck.

4. Send him a text.  Just one.  Hint (don't flat out say) at something sexy.  When he replies, keep your response G rated.  Keep him guessing and build the anticipation.  The little hint will make him squirm!

5. Don't go crazy on dinner.  Stay in and make something simple.  If you go overboard you'll just make yourself crazy.

6. Do it up.  After you shower, style your hair and put on your make up.  When you think you look good, your man will think so, too.  And if you do it early in the day, you'll build your confidence before your man gets home.

7. Put on some sexy undies.  Even though your seduction is a good 10 hours away, when you're wearing your favorite unmentionables, you'll feel sexier and build your own anticipation for later tonight.

8. Skip the wine.  Make yourself a sexy drink like a chocolate martini or a cosmopolitan.  The switch up will tickle your taste buds and help you get yourself in the mood.

9. Break out the chocolate!  Screw the diet for the day and indulge.  Chocolate is one of the sexiest foods so it's no surprise people give chocolate on Valentine's Day.  So have a few pieces and maybe share them with your man.  Maybe.

10. Slip on some sexy.  This doesn't mean your pajama jeans.  Go for his favorite lingerie. If you really want to have fun with it, put it on under a sexy dress.  This way he's got the whole package, no changing necessary.  And while you're at it, slide on those stilettos, too!

Have fun!


Saturday Searches: A circus, an airport and a muffin suit

It always amuses when I look at the searches that bring people to my blog.  So I thought I would share some of them with you.

monologue and the winner is: It's been a while since I have announced a winner of anything.  Sorry to disappoint you.

"abc is for circus": Yes, it is a circus in this house sometimes!

book muffin top recipe: Sorry, I don't have a book.  Not even a cook book.  But if you want to send me one, I'm cool with that.

bulimia monologue: Maybe I should have titled that post differently.

easy valentine monologue: Who are you calling easy?  Oh, you were talking about making a valentine.  My bad.

fucked up muffin: Yes.  Yes I am.

grandmas little lilly: Great shop on Etsy!  Check her out!

monologues about airports: Don't even get me started on airports!

monologues about toys: What's with people searching for monologues?

muffin suit: HA!  I wish it was a suit!  Then I could just step out and be all "Just kidding!"


The best thing about the Super Bowl is not the commercials

Or the game.  Or the halftime show.

It's the movie trailers!  I'm sure you don't remember my post a couple years ago on "that other blog" when I raved about all the movies that were announced during Super Bowl XLIIV (I think that's it).

This year was just as exciting!  I can't wait for these movies and the first one should be no surprise if you know anything about me.  Seriously, I think I just wet my pants watching it.  The worst part?  I have to wait until freaking July!  But whatever.  It will be worth the wait.  I think I'm going to go watch the other two now.

Now, the entire freaking world knows that I big puffy red heart RDJ.  I mean, is there a more perfect example of hotness?  I think not and any argument otherwise will just bring out my claws.  Because he's delicious.  He has nothing to do with the next movie on my list (or at least very little) but the implication is that there will be a beautiful medley of comic superheroes which will include him.  This movie introduces the first member of The Avengers (third to be introduced in the series of movies leading up to the final product).  Again, July!  WTF?!?  I can only hope that they will continue on with this project and eventually bring everyone together.  Have I mentioned that I love superheroes?

Speaking of superheroes, here's another yummy morsel for The Avengers team. Check out this fine piece of hot man candy ass!  Please, don't even tell me that you wouldn't nibble on some of these muscles!  I only have to wait until May for this one.  I guess it's not that bad.

Hmm... I wonder how we can improve on The Fast and The Furious series of movies.  I mean, does it get any better than Paul Walker and Vin Diesel in fast cars?  Not really.  That is of course, unless you throw Dwayne "Mu Husband Will Get Over It" Johnson into the mix!  Fucking genius!  Best yet?  Only two more months to wait for this one.  April can't come soon enough!

Ok, I need a cold shower.  Have a nice day!


I WON!!!

Dude, I seriously freaking WON the BEST contest EVER!  I signed up for JustFab about a year ago and I LOVE their website!  You fill out a style profile and they email you shoe and bag selections every month!  It's like having your own personal shopper!  The best part: all of their shoes and bags are just $39.95 and free shipping!  How amazing is that?!?  I ordered my first pair in December and totally ROCKED these boots on New Year's Eve!  I knew there was something about these boots that were out of this world.  Besides the fact that they are totally HAWT, super comfy (imagine stumbling around after 5 cosmos in 3 inch heels) and uber cheap!  They totally helped me win this rockin' contest!  Look at this!  I won!  And isn't that bag just incredible?!?  I can't wait to get it!

See that hot mama next to me in the photo?  That's my girlie, Katrina.  I even bought her a pair of super hotness for her birthday (Ok, so her birthday is in JUNE and she got them in JANUARY but that's beside the point) because this website is so freaking amazing!

Anyway, if you want to get in on the action, just click this linky thingy HERE and get to shopping!  You won't regret it!

Why the Black Eyed Peas didn't really suck (despite what everyone says)

Seriously, "People got me, got me questioning 'Where is the love?'"

I thought the Black Eyed Peas rocked the halftime show last night but for some reason, Twitter blew up with people tearing them apart.  I saw comments from comparing the show to Tron to people saying that Patrick Sawyze was rolling over in his grave.  I thought it was a great show and I could look past a number of things to say that the Black Eyed Peas did a great job.

The sound:
- This performance was NOT in studio.  It's live.  Don't expect it to sound like it does on your iPod.
- This performance was in a stadium that can hold 80,000 people and is expandable to 111,000 with standing room (which is likely given the magnitude of the Super Bowl), not an arena or concert hall, which probably only hold about a quarter of that.
- This performance was in a dome.  Try to imagine the acoustic nightmare when planning a concert in a venue where your sound is going to be bouncing around inside an enormous tin can.
- Television mics can totally KILL your sound!  Going to The View last week showed me just how bad it can be.  When we saw Ricky Martin perform, he was amazing!  When I watched it from home (thanks to The Hub who recorded it for me) he sounded horrendous!  To validate my suspicions, I did see a tweet saying that they saw the show live and they sounded great but watching the recorded broadcast they sounded terrible.

The lights:
- Believe it or not, this performance was for the entertainment of the people in the stadium as well, not just those of us at home, as many would like to believe.  And those people in the nosebleed seats would have a pretty hard time seeing what was going on down on the field without all those costume lights.
- The music video for "Boom, Boom, Pow" had a lot of futuristic lighting so the lighting plan was not just thrown together.  They did happen to incorporate something from their music into the lighting which, unfortunately, not many people have given them credit for.

The collaboration:
- It's a pretty well known fact that halftime show performers often collaborate with other performers during the show.  And it's usually a blend of completely different styles of music.  I, for one, thought that the Slash cameo was incredible and really enjoyed it.
- I'm sure the intention was not to butcher a Patrick Swayze song, but to give tribute to him, which I thought was a wonderful gesture.
- Usher was awesome.  So shut up.

Ok, rant over.  Continue on with your day.


I wanted to punch my husband in the face

When I get angry, my husband always tells me that I need to calm down (You know how most people react to that.  That's a whole other post.) and a lot of times he says it in front of the kids.

Yesterday The Kid made me mad.  He told me "Mommy, you need to calm down."

I wanted to punch my husband in the face.


I went to The View!

After 6 years of trying, my sister-in-law finally got tickets to The View. I was so excited when she asked me to go and The three week wait was TORTURE! Yesterday came with all the ice and rain, but we were going come hell or high water!

WOW! What an awesome experience!

When we got there, there was hardly anyone there. Apparently the ice storm kept a lot of people away. We were going to take the train but the ice shut down the train service so we just drove into the city. They actually had to cover the last row of seats because not enough people were there. We were about 5 rows from the stage so we got a great view. We were allowed to take pictures but only during commercial breaks and only when they told us it was ok. It made it hard to get good shots with all the people coming out to touch up make up, moving cameras and changing sets.

In the beginning of the show they told us that Oprah's crew was filming on The View set for some sort of special that is airing on her show on Feb 11. So we might be on Oprah, too! Ricky Martin (Holy crap, is he gorgeous in person!!!) was their guest and we got to see him perform! We also got a copy of his new CD. I managed to snap a shot of him during break right before his performance.

Once the show was over, they told us hat they needed more audience members to fill the seats for the taping of Friday's show (The View is live Monday through Thursday and taped on Wednesday for Friday). So we got to stay for the second show! Samuel L. Jackson was the guest and he was great. He got up and walked off set before they told us we could take out our cameras so I didn't get a shot of him.

Once the show was over we went to lunch at PJ Clarke's and had the best cheeseburger I have ever tasted! Then we walked down to Times Square and got yummy cannoli's!

We had to head back to reality shortly after which made us sad but the memories we have from yesterday will never be forgotten! It was a once in a lifetime experience!

Anyway, here are the best of the shots I got.

Thanks for looking!


Random Tuesday Thoughts: Serial killers, divorce and addiction!


Let's get random, bitches!

Check out these random tweets from my Twitter stream.  And if you want to see them as they spew from my head, follow me HERE.

Random tweets about parenting:

The Princess is so tired she's sitting in my lap rubbing MY eyes. I think it's time for bed.

The Princess and I just got done crawling through the house barking like dogs.

Successful parenting is... realizing that you have NOT raised a serial killer. I'll check back in on this one in about 20 years.

Random tweets about marriage:

Now there's a good reason to consider divorce! Every other weekend of peace! I'll have to talk it over with the hubby. ;)
Sometimes I hate it when hubby has off. He's always asking me what I'm doing and giving me crap about being on the computer.

Random shameless plugs:

I'm developing a severe popularity complex. Be my friend on my new FB page? I only have 10 so far. :(http://twurl.nl/4m8153

Just added my Networked Blogs widget. Won't you follow me?http://twurl.nl/vwfyv8

Random tweets about social networking:

I hate getting spammed in the morning. It gives me a headache.

How can I not follow someone with the twitter name @Lovemymartini?

Random tweets about the muffin top:

My daily workout consists of dancing around my house, trying to avoid stepping on my 18 month old who is always at my heels.

I think I'm developing an unhealthy addiction to Jet-Puffed Strawberry HeartMallows! YUM!

What is it about Chick Fil A that makes me destroy my diet? Yum!

Just... random:

Water doesn't always GUSH, if you feel like you're peeing your pants, go to the hospital, LOL!

Ugh, I have so much that I have to buy but no money to buy it with. Gah!