2.28.2011

The last thing you want to read is another post-Oscar wrap-up

so I will spare you the rehash of the winners list and just share some of my modest observations.

Sandy, sweetie.  Smile.  You're a classic beauty inside and out.  You have a beautiful baby boy (boy, right?).  An entire nation (if not world) of women rallied behind you in disgust of the man who broke your heart.  And the only one who didn't is a tattooed side show freak.  Let her have him.  You have a new man in your life.  Smile.

Reese, I want to slap the perfect right off of you.  But Matel might sue me.  And Ken (or GI Joe) might hunt me down.  But seriously, I love you.

Anne, not bad, hun!  You did good!  It's not your fault Jimmy F. was stoned.

James, lay off the bong.  You're hosting the fucking Oscars, for crying out loud!  PS. You look good in drag.

Oprah, if it was up to you, everyone in the audience would have gotten an Oscar.

Mila, you're gorgeous!  I'm so glad you ditched (wait, who ditched who?) the freaky looking man-child.  I'd like to see you with someone big and buff (but soft and squishy inside) next time around.  Like Dwayne Johnson.  Mmm...

Gwen.  Oh Gwennie.  I like your movies.  Ok, I like Sliding Doors.  And Iron Man.  And Iron Man 2.  Though I want to punch you in he face for kissing Tony Stark.  Because that's my man you're smooching, bitch.  But really?  Country music?  No.

Christian, shave the pubes off your face.  You used to be cute.

Kirk, at 94 years old you're still awesome!  I was in tears from laughing so hard!

Scarlet, please brush your hair next time.

JHud, you're positively gorgeous!  WW couldn't have found a more perfect poster child!

Aaron, seriously.  Shut up.  No really.  That's what a time limit is for.  And the music.  And when it keeps getting louder, and Louder, and LOUDER that means SHUT THE FUCK UP!  No one cares about your damned guinea pig, you pompous ass!

Tom, moms worldwide stood up and cheered after your speech!  We're all so proud of you!

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