10.14.2011

Looking Forward: Honesty, Intimacy and Self-Discovery

When I started this blog (oh so long ago!), I set out with the intention of being blatantly honest with myself about who I am and what that means to me.  It turned into a blog about my weight, my marriage and my sex life, with the occasional witty, sarcastic observation.  This, of course, is all fine, because it was all honest.  But I find myself now officially in my 30's (which I love, by the way) and reflecting back on who I am.  It's a funny feeling when you realize that while you are being honest with yourself you are discovering more about who you are and who you want to be.

Reflecting back over my 20's is a bit harrowing, sometimes disturbing, often embarassing and always enlightening.  In my 20's I have experienced a lot: everything ranging from death to life and back again.

I have also learned a lot about who I am in my relationships, specifically with my husband.  After my son was born, I experienced a flux in hormones the likes of which I have never seen.  I was an emotional basket case for a solid two years.  Not only that, but the simple thought of my husband touching me was enough to make my skin crawl and my stomach turn.  He was lucky if we had sex once a month, and sometimes I found myself trying to make excuses as to why we couldn't. I went through the motions and most of the time I came, but really, I hated it. But what I hated more that I was denying my husband, so I dealt with it. 

After my daughter was born, things started looking up, but by that time it had been nearly three years since I had any positive experience with sex.  Once I had recovered fully from childbirth and my body was starting to bounce back a bit, I discovered that I was interested in sex again.  Not like I was before I had my son, but more so than after.  Intimacy came more frequently and I started feeling better about myself.  Then I went on Weight Watchers and dropped about 25 pounds.  That's when things really started changing.  I was confident and felt as sexy as my husband would tell me.  I'm sure he liked the turn around in my sex drive, too.

But through all of this, I still felt like something was "off".  Not bad.  I just felt like there could be more.  I loved what my husband and I had together, but after 9 years, things can get a bit methodical.  I didn't know what I wanted, so I just kept at what we had been doing because it worked.

Then I started reading.  My husband calls it smut.  I don't disagree.  He doesn't complain.  And while I read mostly for entertainment purposes, while he watched American Chopper, I started taking notes.  Now, one of the things I love about books is that it's my escape from reality.  I can totally immerse myself in a book and go off to a fantasy land that the author has created.  I become a part of the story (usually the heroine) and for those brief moments, I lead a different life.  But some of what I was reading started to creep up in real life.  I found myself craving some of the intimacy that was created in the books I was reading.  Of course, we all want the hero who will protect us from the bad guys and seduce us into a puddle of lust while telling us that he can't possibly live without us, but that wasn't what I was looking for.

What I was looking for was intimacy on a different level.  A layer of trust that hadn't been explored yet.  A way for my husband and I to connect on a deeper emotional level.  I wanted to give him something that I hadn't given anyone before.  I just didn't know what.

I'm slowly starting to recognize what that is.  I'm four days into my 30's and I'm doing a lot of thinking about who I was and who I want to be.  I want to be more honest with myself and my husband.  Not about what I do or say.  That's obvious.  But honesty about what I want from him and from our relationship.  I'm not being greedy.  In fact, I think it's the most generous gift I can give him.  If I am honest with myself about everything, including intimacy, then there is nothing more I can give.  I have essentially given him all of me.  And what better way to tell someone you love them than to give yourself up to them?

I'm sure that as I grow into my 30's, my new-found honesty will evolve and self-discovery will take me to new places.  I can see it happening now, even as I type out this post.  I'm excited for it.  I'm anxious for it.  And I can't wait.

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4 comments:

  1. It's so funny you wrote this post. I just finished reading one of Nora Robert's books (Irish Rose I think) and it got me feeling all saucy. I've been thinking about some of the same things you just write about. Good luck in your quest. No matter what age you are it's good to step back and reassess. Even better to be excited about it.

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  2. Thanks. People joke about romance novels, but they can really make you look deeper into your own relationships without you even realizing it. It's been quite enlightening, and I'm already seeing a difference in our relationship. I will be writing about that later this week.

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  3. Totally not the point here, but to make you feel better, I've only had sex twice this year. TMI? Sorry bout that. Not because I don't feel like "doing it." I have so many health issues, it's hard to ever feel sexy.

    Know what else I think is kinda funny? We both started a couponish blog at the same time. Mine was different than yours. You just changed your blog. I just changed mine. I will keep the old posts, but I don't give a shit if I'm funny or not any more. I just miss blogging. I love blogging. I love taking pictures. Gonna just put whatever I feel like on my blog, whether I think it sounds funny or not.

    Isn't it funny how we all change?

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